Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
