Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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