lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
