history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
