Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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