My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
