$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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