thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
