I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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