how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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