At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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