Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
