My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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