how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
