He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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