I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
