you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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