My liver just broke up with me...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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