I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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