Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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