i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
