Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
