i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
