Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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