All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
