My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
