pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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