Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
