I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
