Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
