Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
