Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
