saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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