I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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