I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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