have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
