I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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