I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
