I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
