My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
