I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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