Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
