OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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