Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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