I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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