I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
