My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
