I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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