I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
