FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
