when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
